Timing

I look at each day as a gift, I live it as its my one shot because tomorrow might not come to me. If I didnt wake up tomorrow what would my friends and family say about me? I like to think nice thoughts like everyone else. But theres that small part of me that wonders if they will only remember my anxiety as it has ruled over me for a long time. I need to keep reminding myself that my stress levels trigger it and when it gets to be to much, I need to clean out my head and make change. Its like a wonderfully beautiful woman, nagging at you to do whats good for you, nails on chalkboard, but it speaks the truth. I find myself day to day wondering if this path I am on is right, and I suppose wether it is or not, its better than the one I was on. I have tons of supportive, loving friends, I am now divorced,  I start school in January and things are going as well as they can be, but yet I still have my days where my mind reverts back to that dark place of the "what ifs". I suppose worst case I might go mad, and if I do, thats ok, at least I wont know I am mad. Or if i pass out, I pass out, whats the worst, embarassment? confusion? I shrug at you thoughts. And why the sudden bouts of anger really? Who knows? I think its coming down to crunch time and I am kind of freaking out a little about what I will need to do, even though I want this, its still quite frightening.

Lonliness and Anxiety

I think these two topics go hand in hand for me. I find myself loathing to go anywhere by myself as the world has so much to offer but doing it alone just isnt that much fun. I find myself craving to have someone there with me sharing in my experiences on a day to day business. The bustle of my single roomates life and her single rituals makes me realize more and more I dont fit in here. Feeling like I have someone to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with leaves me craving an emotional connection that is just hanging there. I refuse to just go out and find someone to fill the spot in my bed just for the momentary thrill of it.

The ending of my marriage was a beginning to a new life for me, but yet I find that gnawing sensation dragging me down, the loss of my back ground person. I know this triggers my anxiety, the wondering how I will possibly make it on my own, who will share my life with me, my dreams and aspriations. I suppose that person is me, but as much as I tell myself, I cant seem to convince that inner child that, that is enough. A new love is not going to help me down that road, but maybe a friend will. I am determined to find myself one way or another and not just lie down and take this beating my emotions are giving me, I refuse, my natural optomism wont let me.

Time is flying

It's funny how as a chronic worrier I seem to be doing that less and less these days. I have virtually not had any anxiety that wasn't called for in the last week. Perhaps at one or two points during my day it may have been a passing feeling, but it seems to be subsiding. The longer I am away from the previous environment with my X and the closer I get to school the better I feel. It's kind of amazing how the changes you fear to make, make all the difference in the world. I don't panic anymore when I have to go out at night or if I need to go to the store. Although, I still despise grocery shopping in general, it hasn't been nearly as much torture as it was. My brain needs something else to focus on and soon off to my class where I can give it that much needed break from the constant day in and day out droning on the computer.

We have a subconscious need to use our hands and create something from simple raw materials, I hope I can find my niche' and release some of that inner energy I have been storing up for the last few years. I no longer am tied down to a couch, waiting for the days to pass until I could escape from this world I was living in. The anxiety will subside once you face your fears, and I say run into them head on with a ferocity unlike any other.

Another thought

As my separation continues & the anxiety rears its ugly head, I have days where I don't think I will make it, possibly consumed by my thoughts, my own insecurities? Other days, I feel nothing, there is no fear. I guess it depends on what I have done for that day or been exposed to. All anxiety is, is energy that needs to be released, but it becomes this thing that runs rampant in your brain telling you that something terrible is going to happen. As the divorce date approaches I get more anxious to get started on my new life. To become someone I have always dreamed of being but never thought possible. The disassociation is there from time to time, I have some today but its just something I have learned to live with. Just an annoyance that lingers for no reason, same as the anxiety. I think realizing its just feelings are the biggest part of the experience. Realizing that I was over stressed, in a bad marriage, in a dead end job and hitting my bottom, only to be inspired to rise up and over come these things that had run my life for so very long. So now I find myself on the most epic adventure of my life, molding myself into the woman I was meant to be. No longer confined to an unloving spouse or job that brought me to tears daily, I can walk amongst my friends and loved ones and know that I will be ok. Though the journey is perilous and tedious and at times down right maddening, just wondering how I will do all this living alone, its ok, I know I can now.

As much as I find the anxiety to be annoying and irrational, it was necessary to put me on the right track in my life. I was on a self destructive path and going no where fast, waiting on a partner that had no intention of bettering himself nor our lives together. I know now what I need for me to be happy and even though I grieved the loss of him and my marriage, this will lift me to the next level in my life, and I will know that I will never suffer in the way I have again. And if I fall, which I know I will, the next person I love will lift me up and hold me until that time passes.

Divorce

Four days ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He did not fight it, he did not say "no, lets make it work," just said, "are you sure this is what you want" and how do I answer that? With another heavy sigh and the same thing I have told him over and over, which he quickly cuts me off and says, "I dont want to talk about it now" What a suprise! After I handed him the paperwork and found some relief in the whole process. I filed this morning and have been grieving for the last few days just lower than normal but I also dont have anything to fill my time other than my blogs so that doesnt help.

My roommate had an unfortunate incident happen on Saturday and she lost her keys thus causing me more stress and I had an anxiety attack on Sunday. It wasnt debilitating just enough to make me somewhat uncomfortable as I was walking to get pizza with my girlfriend. It passed quickly enough but it makes you question your own emotions when it's happening and trying to keep them in control is out of the picture as I am sure you know. This brings me to my whole point of stress once again, that evil culprit that brings on this terrible feeling you get when your world is spinning wildly out of control. All the structure and foundation in your life you have built, proudly knowing you did it all yourself and suddenly it shakes and tumbles and you have to rebuild again. Stress is the key in this issue and I have been under an intense amount of it as of late. We are changing, daily, we take in information, we put out information, I seem to be at an awakening where I cant get enough information in my little brain but yet feel so overwhelmed with it all. Like I am sprinting on direction but someone is pulling on my shirt stopping me, I need to work on that. The anxiety is rare now, I think acceptance is the best way to deal with it, continue on with your life, it cant harm you, it just wants to make you uncomfortable enough so that you stop living life and that is not a battle I am going to lose at.

In the morning

Some mornings I wake up not wanting to get out of bed, the doom of life knocking at my door and I just want to pull the covers back over and take a lifetime nap. Those are the days I force myself to make sure I get out & ride my bike or go to a friends. We need to remember with anxiety we cannot be afraid of what is out there. The best thing to do is to run into the fear, whatever it may be. Taking it one day at a time and assuming all we have is right now, this very moment. And I know it gets tiring feeling the same way day in and day out, but it will receed with time. Some days I go the whole day and never think about it others I still do, depending what I need to do for that day.With most anxiety sufferers we assume the worst can happen, a giant meteor will come down killing us, or perhaps it's our brain, or maybe it's a heart attack, it has to be right? We are so very wrong. After months of checking, blood work, multiple doctor visits I concluded it was just me. So on these days, not so many anymore, I know the only thing stopping me is me and I cannot live my life that way. I was brainwashed by my ex, he continually told me I was going crazy and I wasn't in reality, but the reality was I was seeing it full on. I was with someone who didn't understand this as an actual problem, I wonder if I had diabetes if he would tell me to just get over it? Who knows? I didn't want to stay on to find out, so I left.

My biggest issue now is finding some financial peace, some sort of "career" if u will call it that brings me some joy and security in my life. Hard to say in this world we live in, what is security now? For me it's more of knowing you have people that love you no matter what, and I do know love doesn't pay my bills so I must keep going, into the vast unknown of unemployment and try to find something that soothes my aching soul. Your family truley is all we have in this life, maybe a mate, or a couple of good friends that you know how amazing, beautiful, and wonderful you really are!

My trip

I took a train to Seattle today and found myself totally comfortable despite being crammed in like a sardine. I felt the invisible foe I am fighting creeping up on me this morning before I caught the Amtrak sitting alone at the station. But I also felt proud of myself at the same time. It seems to me when I am with those who understand the anxiety and aren't afraid of it makes it seem to disapear. The inner fear that someone might see your anxiety or feel it, is quite ridiculous and quite embarasing, but it is what it is regardless, no one can see it, feel it or touch it. I find myself now avoiding the toxic parties in my life like my x husband and another unnamed person. Unfortunately this person is a close person to me and it's hard to disclose my emotions to her as it seems to end up in criticism from her or just the same "get over it" attitude.

I think it is important when you do have anxiety to know there are people that love you no matter what, anxiety or no, they will stand by you and not be afraid of this thing. That is the only thing I think besides my own homework and rational mind that has gotten me through this. For some; the ignorance is bliss and would rather not know that this thing exsisted as they are helpless to help the person, so they back away and fear it even more so than the victim. The others, the people that love you, the brave souls, that see who you really are through this hidden enemy are the ones that inspire me to continue on. Lonliness is far different from being alone, and none of us are really ever alone in my opinion.

Another day

The depersonalisation, dissasociation, whatever you may call it is prevelant today. It feels like I am almost watching myself type now as I sit here, like I am in a movie of sorts. I am not sure what has triggered this sensation other than that it is a defense mechanism, its just here to protect me but god is it annoying! It feels like I just cant wake up no matter what I do so I have coping skills to help with that. I count whats around me or just get up and move around. Sometimes when I talk it doesnt feel like its really me talking, I know this is just a phase I am experiencing, just an emotion of emotions. My brain thinks it has to do this to protect me.

I am leaving on a train tomorrow for Seattle for the weekend, a change of scenery will be nice. Hopefully I will feel more awake tomorrow, I can always sleep on the train if I want. It feels sometimes like I am just floating through time and space waiting for something to happen. The anxiety can be overwhelming at times. Some days I just dont want to leave my house. I long for the day when I wake up from this mess and can feel alert and aware of my surroundings.

Sometimes

I go through my day and dont feel much. Other days its like a voice screaming at me to run like hell. It might be me standing in line at the grocery store or waiting at a traffic light and it just hits me out of the blue. From my spine all the way to the top of my head, my nerves stand on end and that feeling comes over me into my brain, DOOM! It was much like that the last year of my marriage, he would come home and I would have to hide my feelings from him. I would curl up on the couch and put my feelings inside that spot in my head and hope he didnt notice. Night after night he would come home, try not to notice me there on my laptop and go in the other room. Night after night I would cry and he would tell me to get over it and to deal with it. And I would carry this with me wherever I went, knowing I had no support at home, this person I had married had become something else.

 I felt some relief once I moved out, it still comes on from time to time, I do have my days but its getting easier. The greiving is still somewhat there, but seems to be passing and now I just sit in a neutral state most days. I know anxiety is nothing more than a chemical release into my brain and my poor frayed nerves are getting a kick start from it. I know now that it can't hurt me or make me go mad, although I do have some days where I still feel it creeping in and the chill of depersonalization hits me and I feel that out of body, fogginess the scariest thing about anxiety in general. But nothing has happened yet, I havent passed out or gone crazy, or had anything else terrible happen to me. I know I will be ok, its just learning about being single and making my world what I want it to be. 

Time

I continued on my journey until the fateful day came and they decided to lay me off. That month waiting to get there was one of the hardest and I had a day or two where I sent myself home purely out of panic attacks. The day finally came and I was free of the grips of this horrible place. But then I realized, "I am still having anxiety, why am I having anxiety?" I had to look deeper in myself. I had to look to my spouse. My unsupportive, unemotional, just get over it, ur crazy, I dont want a wife in therapy, spouse. This continued on for another month, I had spent over a year trying to reach him, to make him understand that I needed more from him, not just emotional needs, but I needed affection and love. Those had also both stopped two years prior. I was living as a mother not as a wife any longer, a shell for him to do with what he wanted. The day finally came that I decided I was not going to worry about him any longer as he had done with me. Allowing me to take care of everything and never putting forth effort to make an effort, admitting to me it was just out of sheer "laziness". I found that hard to believe that after 10 years he had just given up when it wasnt easy for him anymore.

I spent my days on my couch googling symptoms, racking my brain to see what I could find to get an instant cure and the cure never came in the form or a pill, just knowledge. It is inside me. I needed a break desperately. So I suggested we do just that, he told me he couldnt live with me anymore and that I needed to get better and instead of changing how he approached the situation, "one of us has to leave" so I volunteered. My poor mind had been stretched to the point that it was going to break and once again I had to do this on my own. My love had abandoned me once again. I guess I am just a bit bitter, I guess I feel like he could have done more but just didnt want to deal with it, but this is the best gift he could have given me now that I am looking back on it. I am also dealing with abandonment issues as well the anxiety is stemming from those, so I am just trying to tackle one thing at a time till I feel really strong again. I have good days and I have very low days where I cry all the time, the aspects inside me, my 4 yr old and my 13 yr old are very badly damaged by the choices I have made in my life and I am determined to heal them.

Anxiety for me has been bittersweet, it keeps me from eating to much sugar, or drinking caffine or doing anything that is potentially harmful in the way of my body. But it also plays tricks on me too, making me feel at any moment that something horrible will happen to me, when I am just doing the smallest thing. It makes me doubt, judge, and fear the unknown. But I have found the faster I run into that darkness the easier it is and it grips me less day by day. It's merely adrenaline pumping through you and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with emotions I dont know what to do with myself, as if I am going to go mad and just lose my mind right there on the spot. But it never happens, I suppose if it does, at least I will be crazy and not know it, right? And there is no "dark place" no "point of no return" if there is I have never reached it and I swear I thought I was going to at times. I know until my inner children are healed and they feel safe, I will have anxiety so my goal through this whole process is to comfort them, love myself, and be the parent to me that I needed as a child.

Staying on the wrong path

This is my blog, I feel it is important to share with others as I know the suffering these topics cause. I know how scared you are and unsure you are, but there is a way out of this mess, or at least a more livable exisistence for us all. This is my opening blog so it will be long as I need everyone to understand what I have been through in the last 8 months.

With never having anxiety regularly in my life, the first time I found myself laying on the floor, my stomach turning, light headed, unsure of what was happening. All I knew is I didnt feel well. I hated my job, I had only taken it because I needed one, going from truck driver to call center rep is not a good mix. The intensity running through me should have given me some inclination some idea of what was coming but I ignored it. With my adrenaline pumping I continued with my computer game as the feeling began to pass. I chose to not take my brains way of telling me to slow down seriously and pushed myself harder. The next few months went by with very little activity in the anxiety department and the thoughts left my head that there might be a problem. Then through a series of events in December of 09, I found myself at my friend's house panicking. Full blown, I thought I was going to die I was so afraid. I paced for a solid 20 minutes going outside then back in before my husband offered to drive me home. I laid on my couch that night for 4 hours trying to figure out what had happened to me, traumatized and bewildered. I chose not to go to the hospital as I knew I would be alright, but frightened to say the least.

The following week I struggled to function at work, I couldn't do my job to say the least, I was consumed by a fear that kept with me all the time, eating at my soul. I finally went to the doctor and she gave me some medicine to help control the attacks in the mean time. I found at first this helped, then I didnt want to take them at all anymore, I found myself looking at my life, reaching out for my husband to comfort me, but I think he just didn't understand how debilitating it was for me. I could barely get groceries let alone maintain a customer service position. I was struggling like never before and fortunatly I had FMLA through my work so they couldn't fire me. I think that is really the only thing that kept me going at the end. I found myself lost and confused and in February I had a complete meltdown. To the point that I sought out psychiatry and anti-depressants. I was not given the option to quit the job that was causing me this intense stress at any point so I was forced to go on. Some days I dont know how I even got to work, eventually I started riding my bike just to relieve some of the stress during the day. I had moments that I thought I would pass out at my desk from the calls I had, or just loose my mind completely.

During this time my husband and I had begun to fight more as he did not understand this thing I was facing, and I was facing it alone. He said I had "gone crazy and wasnt seeing reality", when in my own mind, I was. I saw that my spouse was unsupportive and non empathetic. He wanted me to just "get over it" and for me to be who I was 10 years ago. So through all my anxiety and some depression I was forced to hide my emotions from him so he would not be bothered by them. I found myself feeling abandoned by the one person who is supposed to support and love you, remember: till death do us part, in sickness and in health? I guess that all goes out the window with some people when they feel to uncomfortable.

This is my life, that is Milo my cat and this is our journey.