Time

I continued on my journey until the fateful day came and they decided to lay me off. That month waiting to get there was one of the hardest and I had a day or two where I sent myself home purely out of panic attacks. The day finally came and I was free of the grips of this horrible place. But then I realized, "I am still having anxiety, why am I having anxiety?" I had to look deeper in myself. I had to look to my spouse. My unsupportive, unemotional, just get over it, ur crazy, I dont want a wife in therapy, spouse. This continued on for another month, I had spent over a year trying to reach him, to make him understand that I needed more from him, not just emotional needs, but I needed affection and love. Those had also both stopped two years prior. I was living as a mother not as a wife any longer, a shell for him to do with what he wanted. The day finally came that I decided I was not going to worry about him any longer as he had done with me. Allowing me to take care of everything and never putting forth effort to make an effort, admitting to me it was just out of sheer "laziness". I found that hard to believe that after 10 years he had just given up when it wasnt easy for him anymore.

I spent my days on my couch googling symptoms, racking my brain to see what I could find to get an instant cure and the cure never came in the form or a pill, just knowledge. It is inside me. I needed a break desperately. So I suggested we do just that, he told me he couldnt live with me anymore and that I needed to get better and instead of changing how he approached the situation, "one of us has to leave" so I volunteered. My poor mind had been stretched to the point that it was going to break and once again I had to do this on my own. My love had abandoned me once again. I guess I am just a bit bitter, I guess I feel like he could have done more but just didnt want to deal with it, but this is the best gift he could have given me now that I am looking back on it. I am also dealing with abandonment issues as well the anxiety is stemming from those, so I am just trying to tackle one thing at a time till I feel really strong again. I have good days and I have very low days where I cry all the time, the aspects inside me, my 4 yr old and my 13 yr old are very badly damaged by the choices I have made in my life and I am determined to heal them.

Anxiety for me has been bittersweet, it keeps me from eating to much sugar, or drinking caffine or doing anything that is potentially harmful in the way of my body. But it also plays tricks on me too, making me feel at any moment that something horrible will happen to me, when I am just doing the smallest thing. It makes me doubt, judge, and fear the unknown. But I have found the faster I run into that darkness the easier it is and it grips me less day by day. It's merely adrenaline pumping through you and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with emotions I dont know what to do with myself, as if I am going to go mad and just lose my mind right there on the spot. But it never happens, I suppose if it does, at least I will be crazy and not know it, right? And there is no "dark place" no "point of no return" if there is I have never reached it and I swear I thought I was going to at times. I know until my inner children are healed and they feel safe, I will have anxiety so my goal through this whole process is to comfort them, love myself, and be the parent to me that I needed as a child.