Sometimes

I go through my day and dont feel much. Other days its like a voice screaming at me to run like hell. It might be me standing in line at the grocery store or waiting at a traffic light and it just hits me out of the blue. From my spine all the way to the top of my head, my nerves stand on end and that feeling comes over me into my brain, DOOM! It was much like that the last year of my marriage, he would come home and I would have to hide my feelings from him. I would curl up on the couch and put my feelings inside that spot in my head and hope he didnt notice. Night after night he would come home, try not to notice me there on my laptop and go in the other room. Night after night I would cry and he would tell me to get over it and to deal with it. And I would carry this with me wherever I went, knowing I had no support at home, this person I had married had become something else.

 I felt some relief once I moved out, it still comes on from time to time, I do have my days but its getting easier. The greiving is still somewhat there, but seems to be passing and now I just sit in a neutral state most days. I know anxiety is nothing more than a chemical release into my brain and my poor frayed nerves are getting a kick start from it. I know now that it can't hurt me or make me go mad, although I do have some days where I still feel it creeping in and the chill of depersonalization hits me and I feel that out of body, fogginess the scariest thing about anxiety in general. But nothing has happened yet, I havent passed out or gone crazy, or had anything else terrible happen to me. I know I will be ok, its just learning about being single and making my world what I want it to be.