New Light

The last few months have found me on the next phase of my life. I move out of a very bad rebound relationship into a path of self discovery. The anxiety has become incredibly much more managageable with some simple excersises and the release of stress. I am a full time student and at times I wonder if this is what I should be doing. I hear a common statement of "well I have a degree but I am working a normal job" is this my fate? Who knows. My time for healing and living and growing is now. I took a class on something called EFT, an amazing way of releasing emotions, easily and quickly. I have found with my anxiety that I need to confront this beast head on, acknowledgeing how I feel instead of ignoring it and sleeping. My dissasociation is decreasing as I get more rest and my stress level goes down. My support has grown immensly since last year and I have a much larger array of friends now and I have come to the conclusion that is all I need.

I have no desire for a relationship and for the first time in my life I am happy living alone, just me and Milo. My roomate moved out and is living happily with her "soulmate". She no longer wakes me at 2 am in a drunken stupor. Things over all are going well enough and I am hoping to stay on this path for a while until I have discovered my authentic self. Digging through the layers of me, I am finding all sorts of interesting information I had no idea about, I am excited to see where this path goes, and I have figured out the key to living alone is to not think about the fact that you are alone, just living your life is the first step.

Another Time

So here it is February, it's been a very long two months and I have gone from a total high to a total low. I am trying to remain optomistic but at times it is incredibly hard. I have been plagued by anxiety for the last two weeks it seems stemming from hormones perhaps? I find myself unmotivated by everything and walking in what feels like a waking shadow. Overwhelmed in school, over loaded in my own mind, stress is everywhere. Some would look at my life and say, "Hey she's got it easy, what does she have to worry about?" I say EVERYTHING! Dont you see! My chronic worrying is to much at times and I wish it away but it never goes. Dissasociation is prevalent and I really wish I could snap out of this. My normal sunny disposition is not anywhere to be found and I really want it to come back. I must regain control of my life and figure out what it is that is bringing this dark cloud down on me. I found out I am not getting the Pell grant to pay for my 2012 tuition so I am forced to take loans to pay for the classes. I am trying to rationalize why this is ok to do, and the only thing I can come up with is that it will make it so I am able to get financial aid for next year. I have a huge support group and people who love me but yet I still feel this bleak darkness pounding down on my psyche. I am sure tomorrow will be better, spring is around the corner.

Timing

I look at each day as a gift, I live it as its my one shot because tomorrow might not come to me. If I didnt wake up tomorrow what would my friends and family say about me? I like to think nice thoughts like everyone else. But theres that small part of me that wonders if they will only remember my anxiety as it has ruled over me for a long time. I need to keep reminding myself that my stress levels trigger it and when it gets to be to much, I need to clean out my head and make change. Its like a wonderfully beautiful woman, nagging at you to do whats good for you, nails on chalkboard, but it speaks the truth. I find myself day to day wondering if this path I am on is right, and I suppose wether it is or not, its better than the one I was on. I have tons of supportive, loving friends, I am now divorced,  I start school in January and things are going as well as they can be, but yet I still have my days where my mind reverts back to that dark place of the "what ifs". I suppose worst case I might go mad, and if I do, thats ok, at least I wont know I am mad. Or if i pass out, I pass out, whats the worst, embarassment? confusion? I shrug at you thoughts. And why the sudden bouts of anger really? Who knows? I think its coming down to crunch time and I am kind of freaking out a little about what I will need to do, even though I want this, its still quite frightening.

Lonliness and Anxiety

I think these two topics go hand in hand for me. I find myself loathing to go anywhere by myself as the world has so much to offer but doing it alone just isnt that much fun. I find myself craving to have someone there with me sharing in my experiences on a day to day business. The bustle of my single roomates life and her single rituals makes me realize more and more I dont fit in here. Feeling like I have someone to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with leaves me craving an emotional connection that is just hanging there. I refuse to just go out and find someone to fill the spot in my bed just for the momentary thrill of it.

The ending of my marriage was a beginning to a new life for me, but yet I find that gnawing sensation dragging me down, the loss of my back ground person. I know this triggers my anxiety, the wondering how I will possibly make it on my own, who will share my life with me, my dreams and aspriations. I suppose that person is me, but as much as I tell myself, I cant seem to convince that inner child that, that is enough. A new love is not going to help me down that road, but maybe a friend will. I am determined to find myself one way or another and not just lie down and take this beating my emotions are giving me, I refuse, my natural optomism wont let me.

Time is flying

It's funny how as a chronic worrier I seem to be doing that less and less these days. I have virtually not had any anxiety that wasn't called for in the last week. Perhaps at one or two points during my day it may have been a passing feeling, but it seems to be subsiding. The longer I am away from the previous environment with my X and the closer I get to school the better I feel. It's kind of amazing how the changes you fear to make, make all the difference in the world. I don't panic anymore when I have to go out at night or if I need to go to the store. Although, I still despise grocery shopping in general, it hasn't been nearly as much torture as it was. My brain needs something else to focus on and soon off to my class where I can give it that much needed break from the constant day in and day out droning on the computer.

We have a subconscious need to use our hands and create something from simple raw materials, I hope I can find my niche' and release some of that inner energy I have been storing up for the last few years. I no longer am tied down to a couch, waiting for the days to pass until I could escape from this world I was living in. The anxiety will subside once you face your fears, and I say run into them head on with a ferocity unlike any other.

Another thought

As my separation continues & the anxiety rears its ugly head, I have days where I don't think I will make it, possibly consumed by my thoughts, my own insecurities? Other days, I feel nothing, there is no fear. I guess it depends on what I have done for that day or been exposed to. All anxiety is, is energy that needs to be released, but it becomes this thing that runs rampant in your brain telling you that something terrible is going to happen. As the divorce date approaches I get more anxious to get started on my new life. To become someone I have always dreamed of being but never thought possible. The disassociation is there from time to time, I have some today but its just something I have learned to live with. Just an annoyance that lingers for no reason, same as the anxiety. I think realizing its just feelings are the biggest part of the experience. Realizing that I was over stressed, in a bad marriage, in a dead end job and hitting my bottom, only to be inspired to rise up and over come these things that had run my life for so very long. So now I find myself on the most epic adventure of my life, molding myself into the woman I was meant to be. No longer confined to an unloving spouse or job that brought me to tears daily, I can walk amongst my friends and loved ones and know that I will be ok. Though the journey is perilous and tedious and at times down right maddening, just wondering how I will do all this living alone, its ok, I know I can now.

As much as I find the anxiety to be annoying and irrational, it was necessary to put me on the right track in my life. I was on a self destructive path and going no where fast, waiting on a partner that had no intention of bettering himself nor our lives together. I know now what I need for me to be happy and even though I grieved the loss of him and my marriage, this will lift me to the next level in my life, and I will know that I will never suffer in the way I have again. And if I fall, which I know I will, the next person I love will lift me up and hold me until that time passes.

Divorce

Four days ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He did not fight it, he did not say "no, lets make it work," just said, "are you sure this is what you want" and how do I answer that? With another heavy sigh and the same thing I have told him over and over, which he quickly cuts me off and says, "I dont want to talk about it now" What a suprise! After I handed him the paperwork and found some relief in the whole process. I filed this morning and have been grieving for the last few days just lower than normal but I also dont have anything to fill my time other than my blogs so that doesnt help.

My roommate had an unfortunate incident happen on Saturday and she lost her keys thus causing me more stress and I had an anxiety attack on Sunday. It wasnt debilitating just enough to make me somewhat uncomfortable as I was walking to get pizza with my girlfriend. It passed quickly enough but it makes you question your own emotions when it's happening and trying to keep them in control is out of the picture as I am sure you know. This brings me to my whole point of stress once again, that evil culprit that brings on this terrible feeling you get when your world is spinning wildly out of control. All the structure and foundation in your life you have built, proudly knowing you did it all yourself and suddenly it shakes and tumbles and you have to rebuild again. Stress is the key in this issue and I have been under an intense amount of it as of late. We are changing, daily, we take in information, we put out information, I seem to be at an awakening where I cant get enough information in my little brain but yet feel so overwhelmed with it all. Like I am sprinting on direction but someone is pulling on my shirt stopping me, I need to work on that. The anxiety is rare now, I think acceptance is the best way to deal with it, continue on with your life, it cant harm you, it just wants to make you uncomfortable enough so that you stop living life and that is not a battle I am going to lose at.