Another thought

As my separation continues & the anxiety rears its ugly head, I have days where I don't think I will make it, possibly consumed by my thoughts, my own insecurities? Other days, I feel nothing, there is no fear. I guess it depends on what I have done for that day or been exposed to. All anxiety is, is energy that needs to be released, but it becomes this thing that runs rampant in your brain telling you that something terrible is going to happen. As the divorce date approaches I get more anxious to get started on my new life. To become someone I have always dreamed of being but never thought possible. The disassociation is there from time to time, I have some today but its just something I have learned to live with. Just an annoyance that lingers for no reason, same as the anxiety. I think realizing its just feelings are the biggest part of the experience. Realizing that I was over stressed, in a bad marriage, in a dead end job and hitting my bottom, only to be inspired to rise up and over come these things that had run my life for so very long. So now I find myself on the most epic adventure of my life, molding myself into the woman I was meant to be. No longer confined to an unloving spouse or job that brought me to tears daily, I can walk amongst my friends and loved ones and know that I will be ok. Though the journey is perilous and tedious and at times down right maddening, just wondering how I will do all this living alone, its ok, I know I can now.

As much as I find the anxiety to be annoying and irrational, it was necessary to put me on the right track in my life. I was on a self destructive path and going no where fast, waiting on a partner that had no intention of bettering himself nor our lives together. I know now what I need for me to be happy and even though I grieved the loss of him and my marriage, this will lift me to the next level in my life, and I will know that I will never suffer in the way I have again. And if I fall, which I know I will, the next person I love will lift me up and hold me until that time passes.