Time is flying

It's funny how as a chronic worrier I seem to be doing that less and less these days. I have virtually not had any anxiety that wasn't called for in the last week. Perhaps at one or two points during my day it may have been a passing feeling, but it seems to be subsiding. The longer I am away from the previous environment with my X and the closer I get to school the better I feel. It's kind of amazing how the changes you fear to make, make all the difference in the world. I don't panic anymore when I have to go out at night or if I need to go to the store. Although, I still despise grocery shopping in general, it hasn't been nearly as much torture as it was. My brain needs something else to focus on and soon off to my class where I can give it that much needed break from the constant day in and day out droning on the computer.

We have a subconscious need to use our hands and create something from simple raw materials, I hope I can find my niche' and release some of that inner energy I have been storing up for the last few years. I no longer am tied down to a couch, waiting for the days to pass until I could escape from this world I was living in. The anxiety will subside once you face your fears, and I say run into them head on with a ferocity unlike any other.

Another thought

As my separation continues & the anxiety rears its ugly head, I have days where I don't think I will make it, possibly consumed by my thoughts, my own insecurities? Other days, I feel nothing, there is no fear. I guess it depends on what I have done for that day or been exposed to. All anxiety is, is energy that needs to be released, but it becomes this thing that runs rampant in your brain telling you that something terrible is going to happen. As the divorce date approaches I get more anxious to get started on my new life. To become someone I have always dreamed of being but never thought possible. The disassociation is there from time to time, I have some today but its just something I have learned to live with. Just an annoyance that lingers for no reason, same as the anxiety. I think realizing its just feelings are the biggest part of the experience. Realizing that I was over stressed, in a bad marriage, in a dead end job and hitting my bottom, only to be inspired to rise up and over come these things that had run my life for so very long. So now I find myself on the most epic adventure of my life, molding myself into the woman I was meant to be. No longer confined to an unloving spouse or job that brought me to tears daily, I can walk amongst my friends and loved ones and know that I will be ok. Though the journey is perilous and tedious and at times down right maddening, just wondering how I will do all this living alone, its ok, I know I can now.

As much as I find the anxiety to be annoying and irrational, it was necessary to put me on the right track in my life. I was on a self destructive path and going no where fast, waiting on a partner that had no intention of bettering himself nor our lives together. I know now what I need for me to be happy and even though I grieved the loss of him and my marriage, this will lift me to the next level in my life, and I will know that I will never suffer in the way I have again. And if I fall, which I know I will, the next person I love will lift me up and hold me until that time passes.

Divorce

Four days ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He did not fight it, he did not say "no, lets make it work," just said, "are you sure this is what you want" and how do I answer that? With another heavy sigh and the same thing I have told him over and over, which he quickly cuts me off and says, "I dont want to talk about it now" What a suprise! After I handed him the paperwork and found some relief in the whole process. I filed this morning and have been grieving for the last few days just lower than normal but I also dont have anything to fill my time other than my blogs so that doesnt help.

My roommate had an unfortunate incident happen on Saturday and she lost her keys thus causing me more stress and I had an anxiety attack on Sunday. It wasnt debilitating just enough to make me somewhat uncomfortable as I was walking to get pizza with my girlfriend. It passed quickly enough but it makes you question your own emotions when it's happening and trying to keep them in control is out of the picture as I am sure you know. This brings me to my whole point of stress once again, that evil culprit that brings on this terrible feeling you get when your world is spinning wildly out of control. All the structure and foundation in your life you have built, proudly knowing you did it all yourself and suddenly it shakes and tumbles and you have to rebuild again. Stress is the key in this issue and I have been under an intense amount of it as of late. We are changing, daily, we take in information, we put out information, I seem to be at an awakening where I cant get enough information in my little brain but yet feel so overwhelmed with it all. Like I am sprinting on direction but someone is pulling on my shirt stopping me, I need to work on that. The anxiety is rare now, I think acceptance is the best way to deal with it, continue on with your life, it cant harm you, it just wants to make you uncomfortable enough so that you stop living life and that is not a battle I am going to lose at.