This is my blog, I feel it is important to share with others as I know the suffering these topics cause. I know how scared you are and unsure you are, but there is a way out of this mess, or at least a more livable exisistence for us all. This is my opening blog so it will be long as I need everyone to understand what I have been through in the last 8 months.
With never having anxiety regularly in my life, the first time I found myself laying on the floor, my stomach turning, light headed, unsure of what was happening. All I knew is I didnt feel well. I hated my job, I had only taken it because I needed one, going from truck driver to call center rep is not a good mix. The intensity running through me should have given me some inclination some idea of what was coming but I ignored it. With my adrenaline pumping I continued with my computer game as the feeling began to pass. I chose to not take my brains way of telling me to slow down seriously and pushed myself harder. The next few months went by with very little activity in the anxiety department and the thoughts left my head that there might be a problem. Then through a series of events in December of 09, I found myself at my friend's house panicking. Full blown, I thought I was going to die I was so afraid. I paced for a solid 20 minutes going outside then back in before my husband offered to drive me home. I laid on my couch that night for 4 hours trying to figure out what had happened to me, traumatized and bewildered. I chose not to go to the hospital as I knew I would be alright, but frightened to say the least.
The following week I struggled to function at work, I couldn't do my job to say the least, I was consumed by a fear that kept with me all the time, eating at my soul. I finally went to the doctor and she gave me some medicine to help control the attacks in the mean time. I found at first this helped, then I didnt want to take them at all anymore, I found myself looking at my life, reaching out for my husband to comfort me, but I think he just didn't understand how debilitating it was for me. I could barely get groceries let alone maintain a customer service position. I was struggling like never before and fortunatly I had FMLA through my work so they couldn't fire me. I think that is really the only thing that kept me going at the end. I found myself lost and confused and in February I had a complete meltdown. To the point that I sought out psychiatry and anti-depressants. I was not given the option to quit the job that was causing me this intense stress at any point so I was forced to go on. Some days I dont know how I even got to work, eventually I started riding my bike just to relieve some of the stress during the day. I had moments that I thought I would pass out at my desk from the calls I had, or just loose my mind completely.
During this time my husband and I had begun to fight more as he did not understand this thing I was facing, and I was facing it alone. He said I had "gone crazy and wasnt seeing reality", when in my own mind, I was. I saw that my spouse was unsupportive and non empathetic. He wanted me to just "get over it" and for me to be who I was 10 years ago. So through all my anxiety and some depression I was forced to hide my emotions from him so he would not be bothered by them. I found myself feeling abandoned by the one person who is supposed to support and love you, remember: till death do us part, in sickness and in health? I guess that all goes out the window with some people when they feel to uncomfortable.
This is my life, that is Milo my cat and this is our journey.
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